Loss of a gentle, loving soul. Gone, but never forgotten

February 13, 2014-
The saddest day of my life.

The day before my Birthday I found out that a very important person in my life had passed away, very unexpectedly. My "Uncle" Joe. The funniest, most energetic and colorful person I have ever known, was not with us anymore. 

To say I am devastated or heartbroken doesn't begin to describe it. I still don't think I have begun to accept that he is really gone. The day I found out about his passing, I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. Hours and hours of tears flowing and my heart aching. I have never had to deal with a loss like this before and I don't think I knew how to handle it that day.

I was the one that had to tell my Sister and my Dad...

My Dad and "Uncle" Joe weren't Brothers, but they might as well have been. They were first cousins who met up as kids and were inseparable ever since. They grew up in a time before cell phones, facebook, or the internet. There were certain points in their lives when they lived hundreds of miles apart or lost touch for a bit... but they ALWAYS found each other. They were joined at the hip for many, many, many years. When Uncle Joe moved back down to Wise, Va. where he grew up, he and my Dad called each other every single Saturday night. 8 o'clock on the dot every Saturday night for as long as I can remember. 48 years of friendship, just, ended.

                          

(From L to R- Uncle Joe, my Dad, and my Aunt Lee. Circa late 60's-early 70's)

My heart breaks for my Dad. He hasn't fully grieved yet. I think he's kind of in shock right now. I hate seeing him like this and I can't begin to imagine what he must be going through. It would be like me losing my Sister. I can't even go there!

Let me tell y'all a little about my memory of this wonderfully amazing person our family just lost.--

Some of my very first memories involve my Uncle Joe. In fact, I think the only reason I remember my first day of kindergarten is because he was there that morning when I was getting ready for school.

One of the things I love about my childhood is that there was always music around. My Dad before, during, and/or after talking to Uncle Joe on the phone on Saturday nights would sit around, have some beers, and play his guitar. He still does. He has always gotten me to sing along with him. I wouldn't doubt if at about the time I started talking is when he started to teach me to sing along to his country and bluegrass songs. I have been doing it for as far back as I can remember. It never mattered how out of tune we were or how badly we messed up the words. This has always been, and still is a big part of my life. It's a part of me.

When my Uncle Joe was around, the energy was even brighter. When he and my Dad were together playing music, I can't really describe it. The room lit up, they lit up, the whole house lit up. If you were around them, you were guaranteed an awesome time! So much fun, love, and happiness. This is what I'm going to miss the most.

(L to R) Me, Uncle Joe, Dad

Every summer growing up, my Dad would pack us all into the car and head to Wise. This trip, and going to visit my Dad's friend in NC , were the most exciting part of the entire year for us!

Visiting Uncle Joe in that little mountain town, in that little rickety house, built on the side of the mountain, was the highlight of my year as a little girl. It was so exciting to get out of the car after the long drive and run inside to see what cool gadgets he had going, and to run out in his yard and say hello to his chickens!

His house

my dad and I

When we arrived at his house every year, he always had his stereo blasting out bluegrass music. He always had lights flashing, his disco ball turning, and his lava lamps on in the corners. It was so familiar, like being away from home for a long time, and then coming back. I remember the smell and the way everything was set up. I remember that his kitchen was decorated with hens and roosters. He also had the coolest wallpaper I've ever seen!!

Uncle Joe's wallpaper in the living room

One of my most favorite parts of going down to visit was his back yard, and the chickens!!

back porch

back yard

chickens!

My Dad tells me this story about when I was probably around 3 or 4 years old, I would come in the house from playing in the yard, holding this big red chicken. I cuddled and carried her around like she was a cat or a puppy or something. My Dad said it was so strange because out of all those chickens in his yard, Red took a liking to me. She would either follow me around or she would let me come right to her and pick her up. That particular chicken also happened to be my Uncle Joe's favorite. I love that!

Baby Tammy in front and Uncle Joe and I (with Red chicken) in the back

Red and I :)

A couple years later, we went down there and Red had just had baby chicks. My Uncle Joe let me pick one to call my own and I got to name her. Being all of 5 or 6 years old, I picked the only red one that had hatched and named her Red Feathers :-). Red and Red Feathers are the only two chickens, to this day, that I have ever been able to go to and they would come right to me and let me hold them.

My Uncle Joe taught me to be gentle and kind, and to love animals. I love that I have these unique memories of my time in the mountains with him.

There are certain people that make a lasting impression on your life and my Uncle Joe is most certainly one of those people in mine. I am the person I am today because of my time spent and my memories with him. I love nature and being outdoorsy. I am much happier in the country by a stream or a pond with a fishing pole in my hand because of him and my Dad. I know that a big reason why I love VW's and beetle cars so much is because of him. I'm pretty sure my obsession with peace signs has a lot to do with him as well. I love animals of all kinds rather than JUST a cat or a dog. I love them all. To this day, I still want a pet chicken :-)! Most of all music- he and my Dad have had a huge influence on my musical taste over the years. My Uncle Joe has been playing Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton for me my whole life. He is the only person I know who knew how to play it. I'm really going to miss singing that song with him, but every time I hear it I'll remember him.

I love that these memories are still so clear in my mind. I'm so glad that I have that to hold on to.

This past weekend my Dad, a good friend of theirs Randy, and my Sister and I all drove down to Wise, Va for the last time to go through Uncle Joe's belongings. He no longer lived in that old house. He had moved into a trailer down the hill where his Father lived before he had passed away, and his chickens were long gone.

When we walked into his place, it just didn't feel right. There was no music playing, no lights shining. He wasn't there to welcome us back. It was so dark and cold. We walked around and saw pictures, cards and things we have all sent him over the years. There were traces of us all over that place. We were so loved by him and he was so very loved by us.

This is where music and lights should have been blasting

That was so hard. Going in there knowing he wasn't going to be there to talk to, hang out with, and play music with. Knowing we will never get that chance again.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that we went down there and packed up his things. It all fit into the back of Randy's truck. His entire life was just packed away into a bunch of plastic bags and a few boxes. That's all we have left of him.

I'm so mad at myself for not going down there to visit him more as we got older. The last time Tammy and I visited was about 8 years ago. That's unacceptable. The trip wasn't THAT far!

All my life when I imagined my wedding day, I saw my Uncle Joe right there next to my Dad. I could see them bringing their guitars and playing songs over in the corner somewhere. Him drinking a cheap whiskey drink, and my Dad sipping on a beer. I wanted that so badly! It breaks my heart that I will never have that. And that Ian will never meet this amazing person who had such a tremendous impact on my life.

My Uncle Joe was one of a kind. He was one of those people who made you feel like you were a better person just by knowing him. He was so smart, and the funniest person I've ever known. He was a big kid at heart which is why I think Tammy and I loved being around him so much when we were little. He never took life too seriously. He was laid back and loved the outdoors. I learned a lot from him in that way. He was a gentle soul, was never violent or hateful, and I have never heard him say a bad thing about anyone. I think he had a pretty unique outlook on life and I loved that about him. He never had a whole lot of money, especially down there in the mountains, but he didn't mind. He enjoyed the simple life.

The creek that runs right across the street from of his house

Going down there to Wise was pretty humbling. This is where I spent so much of my childhood, where my roots are. No matter where I am in life, how much money I have, or the kind of house I live in, I can look back and remember that you don't need to have a whole lot as far as possessions are concerned, to be happy or feel loved. As a matter of fact, there is a line in Coat of Many Colors- "one is only poor, only if they choose to be". That is so true and something that I really need to keep in mind.


I'm learning things from my Uncle Joe, even after he's gone.

Life is so short and I need to remember to stay humbled. I need to let people I care about know how much they mean to me and I need to go and visit folks more often than I do.

These words may not mean a whole lot to the people that didn't know my Uncle Joe. He passed away and friends sent their condolences (which are very much appreciated by the way), but when the dust settles, people move on and kind of forget. For the handful of people who knew Joe Vanover, Jr. and were close to him, we will be heartbroken for a very long time. I hear that it gets easier over time, and I know it will, but the sting of this loss will always be there. There will be something missing in all of our lives, forever. For those of us who were blessed enough to have this incredible human being in our lives, we're the lucky ones! His love and the memories we shared with him will live on in our hearts, always.

My Dad and my Uncle Joe's good friend, Drew

I hung his name, written by him, on my guardian angel hanging in my car

I can't believe he's gone and it still doesn't feel real, but I truly feel privileged to have had him in my life up until this point. I feel better knowing how much he loved my Sister and I and that my Dad was his best friend, and in his heart, they were really Brothers. I know that we were just as important in his life as he was to ours.

My sweet, funny, groovy and goofy Uncle Joe is physically gone from the world, but the imprint that he has left on a select few of us is irreplaceable and will never ever be forgotten!

We love and miss you more than you will ever know! RIP Uncle Joe!