Our Story began just like any other love story does. We met, we dated, and we fell in love. Although we may be a little different than the average couple and have challenges and obstacles that arise from time to time, at the core of everything we have our love. We love and respect each other deeply and with everything we have. At the end of the day that’s all that matters.
I’ll start from the beginning…
My Boyfriend, Ian and I met on an online dating website 2
years ago this August. I had done the whole bar scene and went on dates with
guys I had met through mutual friends and all that fun stuff. I had been single
for about 4 years and obviously nothing else was working so I decided to sign
up to this dating site as a last resort. To be honest I didn’t think anything
would come of it. I had tried various dating sites in the past and never had
any luck.
It was around 3 and a half years after Ian was injured that
he and I began emailing with each other. The fact that he was in a wheelchair
didn’t make any difference to me. He was a regular person just like any of the
other men on there. Actually, he might have been a little more normal than some
of them. Definitely nicer. Oh, AND much better looking :)
I was instantly drawn to him. After we exchanged numbers we
texted with each other every day and even had a few long phone conversations.
From the very beginning he had a way of making me feel special and wanted and
cared about. At the time we lived 2 hours apart but after talking for a couple
of weeks we both really wanted to meet each other in person.
Our first date was at Joe’s Crab Shack in Fredericksburg.
How romantic, I know. That wasn’t the original plan. We were going to try out a
Thai restaurant but when we got up there realized that the particular
restaurant we had picked out was in downtown Fredericksburg on a steep, steep
hill with no available handicap parking spots. That wasn’t going to work. So
Joe’s Crab Shack it was.
This was a first date so naturally there were some nerves
flaring. I had the typical first date jitters. I wondered if I looked pretty
enough and smelled nice and I really really hoped that I said all the right
things. But there was also an extra bit of nervousness because this date was
different than what I was used to.
I knew a little about paralysis due to being in a brief but
toxic relationship with a paraplegic when I was young. I prayed that Ian
wouldn’t be anything like that guy and thank God he isn’t! I had also done some
volunteer work at a physical rehabilitation center a few years before. Although
I had never met anyone who was a quadriplegic.
Going
into it I didn’t have much of an idea on what to expect. Ian had let me know
ahead of time that he would need some help. I’m sure there was some nervousness
on his part because he didn’t know how I would handle the situation. I didn’t
mind helping him one bit. He’s great with explaining and directing people how to lift or maneuver his body. I was just so
nervous that I would do something wrong or hurt him somehow.
When we got to the restaurant I helped him transfer from the
driver’s seat to his wheelchair and down the ramp of his van without any major
malfunctions. I felt pretty good about that. For the record, I didn’t injure him
or myself in the process. I was quite proud of myself.
Once we were inside and settled at our table most of the
nerves just melted away. Besides having to grab his fork and cuff from his bag
and helping him cut up his dinner, I didn’t notice his disability. That
wheelchair disappeared for a while and I was just enjoying having dinner with a
really great guy. He was super sweet and so funny. It was the best first date I
had ever been on.
Here we are almost 2 years later and I couldn’t imagine my
life without him. We have been through so much together just in this past year
alone since moving in together but I believe it’s made us stronger.
Most of the time we go about our daily lives and I feel like
we are your normal late 20 somethings couple. Ian is a full time student and I
work full time. We have a very large, crazy, hyperactive puppy. She’s our big
baby and we love her to pieces. I cook, clean, sometimes get out in the garden,
and I even organize when I have the time and urge to do so. Normal stuff.
However, there are a lot of things that set us apart from
others.
Everything about my Boyfriend’s day to day life is
different. Ian is a C5-C6 quadriplegic. He is paralyzed and can’t move and has
limited feeling/sensation from the mid-chest down. He also has limited use of
his arms (he has biceps but no triceps) and has no finger function.
What that basically means is he needs help with a lot of
things throughout the day and night. After having done these things for so long
and so often, they have become almost second nature. I could do most of these
things in my sleep. In fact, I have helped him at some point half asleep, in
the middle of the night, or all hours of the morning. It’s become routine like
everything else in day to day life.
Ian has an aide that comes in to assist him with his needs
during the day while I’m at work.
At least, he’s supposed to have an aide come
in daily...
We’ve had major problems with the agency that provides those aides
but I will get to that story another time.
Anyway, I am Ian’s caregiver in the evenings after I get
home from work.
On a typical day when everything has gone smoothly before I
get home, I go back in to my boyfriend’s office and sit on his lap facing
toward him. We talk about our day and usually cuddle and hold each other for a
bit. I love that part of my day.
After that I’m usually busy until it’s time for bed.
I make sure Ian’s water bottle is full and his leg bag has
been drained. Then I let the dogs outside. I make dinner, cut it up for him and
make sure his special fork and cuff are on the table. After dinner I clean up
the kitchen, make sure coffee is set to brew for the morning, feed and
take care of the dogs. That’s along with laundry, loading/unloading the dishwasher,
taking out the trash and recycling, cleaning, etc.
Before bed I make sure Ian's water bottle has enough water for
the rest of the night. Then I assist him with transferring. What I basically do
is lift his leg and slide a wooden board under him. Then I hold the chair steady
and make sure he’s balanced and doesn’t fall in the floor. He does the rest of
the work himself. Once he’s in bed I help him get undressed and prop his feet up with a
pillow. I turn him if he wants to be turned and prop his back up with another
pillow and a wedge pillow between his knees. There are a lot of pillows in our
bed by the end of the night! Luckily he only has to be turned on his side once
before we fall asleep. I make sure he gets his meds and finally at the end of a
long day I get to crawl in bed to relax and cuddle with the coziest person I
know. This is my absolute favorite part of the entire day.
That sounds like a lot but most days it’s really not that
bad.
Sure, it can be frustrating at times, I’m not gonna lie. I
get worn out and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel guilty if I sit down for too
long or get tired and want to take a nap instead of cooking a fancy dinner. I
feel like I’m being lazy if I don’t come home and get things done around the
house like hanging up pictures and planting my vegetable garden. I feel lazy if
the house isn’t spotless. Especially when I know we’re expecting company.
Oh my lord, I’m turning into my Mother!
There are evenings when I’m snappy and there are times that
Ian is cranky. We have both been irritated at the same time. He might be tired,
frustrated, or feel like crap. I might be having an off day and be hormonal and
bitchy and get pissed off if he looks at me wrong.
It’s happened.
Those days are to be expected from time to time. That’s the
life we live. We eventually sit back and talk about it. I usually cry and then
we move on.
I’m not writing this blog for people to read it and feel
sorry for us. We’re getting by just fine without anyone’s pity party thank you
very much.
It has made a tremendous difference in my life to be able to
get online and read blogs and posts from some amazingly strong women who are
living in similar situations. It feels so great to be able to relate and
understand fully what these women go through on a daily basis. It makes me feel
like I’m not so alone. I really love to write and if there is any chance that
my blog could help someone else who may be in the same position that I was a
year ago or even now, then that’ll be worth it to me.
I
also hope that my friends and family who are curious or
worry about what our life is like can read this and understand that
while we do
go through times that are rough and frustrating, and even though we may
do things a little different, we still have fun and enjoy
life. There are more happy times than there are sad.
Being with someone who has a disability certainly has its challenges.
My Boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year. It has been
hard and trying on both of us. We have grown and learned so much about
ourselves and each other during this time.
I embrace everything in our life that is normal, but I also
embrace the things that are different. There are so many things in our lives
that are out of our control. So the things that are in our control I am going to take it and run with it.
This life we live is a juggling act and I am definitely
learning as I go. It’s taken me almost a year to finally feel somewhat balanced
but I’m getting there. Our life is beautiful and it is imperfect and I'm totally okay with that.
Above everything else, Ian and I are very much in love and
are dedicated to one another. We work very hard to keep our relationship strong
and bonded. That right there is what makes it all worth it!
