Loss of a gentle, loving soul. Gone, but never forgotten

February 13, 2014-
The saddest day of my life.

The day before my Birthday I found out that a very important person in my life had passed away, very unexpectedly. My "Uncle" Joe. The funniest, most energetic and colorful person I have ever known, was not with us anymore. 

To say I am devastated or heartbroken doesn't begin to describe it. I still don't think I have begun to accept that he is really gone. The day I found out about his passing, I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. Hours and hours of tears flowing and my heart aching. I have never had to deal with a loss like this before and I don't think I knew how to handle it that day.

I was the one that had to tell my Sister and my Dad...

My Dad and "Uncle" Joe weren't Brothers, but they might as well have been. They were first cousins who met up as kids and were inseparable ever since. They grew up in a time before cell phones, facebook, or the internet. There were certain points in their lives when they lived hundreds of miles apart or lost touch for a bit... but they ALWAYS found each other. They were joined at the hip for many, many, many years. When Uncle Joe moved back down to Wise, Va. where he grew up, he and my Dad called each other every single Saturday night. 8 o'clock on the dot every Saturday night for as long as I can remember. 48 years of friendship, just, ended.

                          

(From L to R- Uncle Joe, my Dad, and my Aunt Lee. Circa late 60's-early 70's)

My heart breaks for my Dad. He hasn't fully grieved yet. I think he's kind of in shock right now. I hate seeing him like this and I can't begin to imagine what he must be going through. It would be like me losing my Sister. I can't even go there!

Let me tell y'all a little about my memory of this wonderfully amazing person our family just lost.--

Some of my very first memories involve my Uncle Joe. In fact, I think the only reason I remember my first day of kindergarten is because he was there that morning when I was getting ready for school.

One of the things I love about my childhood is that there was always music around. My Dad before, during, and/or after talking to Uncle Joe on the phone on Saturday nights would sit around, have some beers, and play his guitar. He still does. He has always gotten me to sing along with him. I wouldn't doubt if at about the time I started talking is when he started to teach me to sing along to his country and bluegrass songs. I have been doing it for as far back as I can remember. It never mattered how out of tune we were or how badly we messed up the words. This has always been, and still is a big part of my life. It's a part of me.

When my Uncle Joe was around, the energy was even brighter. When he and my Dad were together playing music, I can't really describe it. The room lit up, they lit up, the whole house lit up. If you were around them, you were guaranteed an awesome time! So much fun, love, and happiness. This is what I'm going to miss the most.

(L to R) Me, Uncle Joe, Dad

Every summer growing up, my Dad would pack us all into the car and head to Wise. This trip, and going to visit my Dad's friend in NC , were the most exciting part of the entire year for us!

Visiting Uncle Joe in that little mountain town, in that little rickety house, built on the side of the mountain, was the highlight of my year as a little girl. It was so exciting to get out of the car after the long drive and run inside to see what cool gadgets he had going, and to run out in his yard and say hello to his chickens!

His house

my dad and I

When we arrived at his house every year, he always had his stereo blasting out bluegrass music. He always had lights flashing, his disco ball turning, and his lava lamps on in the corners. It was so familiar, like being away from home for a long time, and then coming back. I remember the smell and the way everything was set up. I remember that his kitchen was decorated with hens and roosters. He also had the coolest wallpaper I've ever seen!!

Uncle Joe's wallpaper in the living room

One of my most favorite parts of going down to visit was his back yard, and the chickens!!

back porch

back yard

chickens!

My Dad tells me this story about when I was probably around 3 or 4 years old, I would come in the house from playing in the yard, holding this big red chicken. I cuddled and carried her around like she was a cat or a puppy or something. My Dad said it was so strange because out of all those chickens in his yard, Red took a liking to me. She would either follow me around or she would let me come right to her and pick her up. That particular chicken also happened to be my Uncle Joe's favorite. I love that!

Baby Tammy in front and Uncle Joe and I (with Red chicken) in the back

Red and I :)

A couple years later, we went down there and Red had just had baby chicks. My Uncle Joe let me pick one to call my own and I got to name her. Being all of 5 or 6 years old, I picked the only red one that had hatched and named her Red Feathers :-). Red and Red Feathers are the only two chickens, to this day, that I have ever been able to go to and they would come right to me and let me hold them.

My Uncle Joe taught me to be gentle and kind, and to love animals. I love that I have these unique memories of my time in the mountains with him.

There are certain people that make a lasting impression on your life and my Uncle Joe is most certainly one of those people in mine. I am the person I am today because of my time spent and my memories with him. I love nature and being outdoorsy. I am much happier in the country by a stream or a pond with a fishing pole in my hand because of him and my Dad. I know that a big reason why I love VW's and beetle cars so much is because of him. I'm pretty sure my obsession with peace signs has a lot to do with him as well. I love animals of all kinds rather than JUST a cat or a dog. I love them all. To this day, I still want a pet chicken :-)! Most of all music- he and my Dad have had a huge influence on my musical taste over the years. My Uncle Joe has been playing Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton for me my whole life. He is the only person I know who knew how to play it. I'm really going to miss singing that song with him, but every time I hear it I'll remember him.

I love that these memories are still so clear in my mind. I'm so glad that I have that to hold on to.

This past weekend my Dad, a good friend of theirs Randy, and my Sister and I all drove down to Wise, Va for the last time to go through Uncle Joe's belongings. He no longer lived in that old house. He had moved into a trailer down the hill where his Father lived before he had passed away, and his chickens were long gone.

When we walked into his place, it just didn't feel right. There was no music playing, no lights shining. He wasn't there to welcome us back. It was so dark and cold. We walked around and saw pictures, cards and things we have all sent him over the years. There were traces of us all over that place. We were so loved by him and he was so very loved by us.

This is where music and lights should have been blasting

That was so hard. Going in there knowing he wasn't going to be there to talk to, hang out with, and play music with. Knowing we will never get that chance again.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that we went down there and packed up his things. It all fit into the back of Randy's truck. His entire life was just packed away into a bunch of plastic bags and a few boxes. That's all we have left of him.

I'm so mad at myself for not going down there to visit him more as we got older. The last time Tammy and I visited was about 8 years ago. That's unacceptable. The trip wasn't THAT far!

All my life when I imagined my wedding day, I saw my Uncle Joe right there next to my Dad. I could see them bringing their guitars and playing songs over in the corner somewhere. Him drinking a cheap whiskey drink, and my Dad sipping on a beer. I wanted that so badly! It breaks my heart that I will never have that. And that Ian will never meet this amazing person who had such a tremendous impact on my life.

My Uncle Joe was one of a kind. He was one of those people who made you feel like you were a better person just by knowing him. He was so smart, and the funniest person I've ever known. He was a big kid at heart which is why I think Tammy and I loved being around him so much when we were little. He never took life too seriously. He was laid back and loved the outdoors. I learned a lot from him in that way. He was a gentle soul, was never violent or hateful, and I have never heard him say a bad thing about anyone. I think he had a pretty unique outlook on life and I loved that about him. He never had a whole lot of money, especially down there in the mountains, but he didn't mind. He enjoyed the simple life.

The creek that runs right across the street from of his house

Going down there to Wise was pretty humbling. This is where I spent so much of my childhood, where my roots are. No matter where I am in life, how much money I have, or the kind of house I live in, I can look back and remember that you don't need to have a whole lot as far as possessions are concerned, to be happy or feel loved. As a matter of fact, there is a line in Coat of Many Colors- "one is only poor, only if they choose to be". That is so true and something that I really need to keep in mind.


I'm learning things from my Uncle Joe, even after he's gone.

Life is so short and I need to remember to stay humbled. I need to let people I care about know how much they mean to me and I need to go and visit folks more often than I do.

These words may not mean a whole lot to the people that didn't know my Uncle Joe. He passed away and friends sent their condolences (which are very much appreciated by the way), but when the dust settles, people move on and kind of forget. For the handful of people who knew Joe Vanover, Jr. and were close to him, we will be heartbroken for a very long time. I hear that it gets easier over time, and I know it will, but the sting of this loss will always be there. There will be something missing in all of our lives, forever. For those of us who were blessed enough to have this incredible human being in our lives, we're the lucky ones! His love and the memories we shared with him will live on in our hearts, always.

My Dad and my Uncle Joe's good friend, Drew

I hung his name, written by him, on my guardian angel hanging in my car

I can't believe he's gone and it still doesn't feel real, but I truly feel privileged to have had him in my life up until this point. I feel better knowing how much he loved my Sister and I and that my Dad was his best friend, and in his heart, they were really Brothers. I know that we were just as important in his life as he was to ours.

My sweet, funny, groovy and goofy Uncle Joe is physically gone from the world, but the imprint that he has left on a select few of us is irreplaceable and will never ever be forgotten!

We love and miss you more than you will ever know! RIP Uncle Joe!

Operation Getaway

One of these days I’m going to start writing on this blog and actually stick to it. I told myself that when I finally did create a blog I would try to write on it at least once a week. Clearly that has not been the case. I have realized that I only feel the NEED to write when I’m passionate about something. Usually about an event that happens or sometimes when I’m frustrated or angry. Most of the time, I still don’t publish what I write.

This is one occasion that I just HAVE to write about.

Operation Getaway!!!

Where do I even begin? I don’t think I can accurately put into words how much that weekend meant to me, or how much it meant to my relationship with Ian. 

Ian and I can’t stop talking about how much fun we had and I still have all those amazing women on my mind. We only spent about 48 hours together but I miss them!

We got to talk, get to know each other, and share our stories. For the first time since Ian and I have been together I got to sit down with not just one person, but several people who understand and can relate when I talk about personal care aides calling out at the last minute. They understand what it’s like to be super busy or too tired to help someone take a shower, get dressed, get into bed, etc… and still do it anyway because who else is going to do it? Who else could do it better? 

The best part about it was that these women chose to be with/stay with a man who uses a wheelchair to get around and might need a little help doing certain things. 

Just. Like. Me.

These ladies are totally, 100 percent, whole heartedly in love with their men, wheelchairs and all.

They GET it!!!

The Facebook group page that we’re all on is fantastic. It’s been a huge help to be able to get on there and read that people are going through and thinking the same things as me. However, it’s a completely different experience when you meet these people face to face. It’s different when you see them with their significant other.

This experience was amazing for Ian as well. He may not come out and say it quite like that, but I don’t think he’s had that much fun hanging out in a really long time.

This past year has been huge for him and I’m so proud of how far he’s come.

Since moving into our house (and not living with his parents), continuing school, and joining the Facebook group page (seeing that there are other people who have similar struggles as him), AND surfing this past summer, his confidence has skyrocketed!! 

Sure, he has crappy days when he doesn’t feel well or he’s dealing with severe nerve pain. Those are the days he hates everything about being in that chair. But he’s been so much more open about how he feels and I think because of that, those days are few and far between. 

This past weekend was great for him because he made new friends who can relate to everything he goes through. 

Those guys GET it too.

I love that us girls got together, talked and connected, but while that was happening, it seems that the guys kind of did the same.

They shared how they got injured or why they’re in a chair, how they transfer, drive, and different accessible recreational activities they enjoy. It was really cool to see!

While the men were hanging out doing guy stuff (watching football, snacking) on Saturday, us ladies went off to enjoy girlie stuff. We were treated to manicures and pedicures; we all got pretty fall colors, then enjoyed pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks and took pictures before heading back to the retreat and conference center.

                                      We went to dinner at a super fancy restaurant.

 On the way back Dana and I giggled and chatted in the back seat of our van while the two quads in the front tried to “navigate” to find a 7-eleven and our way back to where we were staying.

 So. Much. Fun.

When we got back we all went outside. Some made s’mores, some drank wine. Mike played his harmonica and Dana got embarrassed :-). At one point we all sang parts to bohemian rhapsody. 

Good times!

I feel like we all kind of bonded that night. I love that!

After we went inside us ladies continued drinking our wine. We got chatty and giggly and the guys just got bored I think. 

We stayed up and kept our guys up probably way too late, but that’s okay. They were good sports about it and we appreciated that!

It was way past due and well deserved. We had a blast!

Spending that time with those ladies was very special. I felt so connected to them. I think that even if we had met randomly and didn’t have this common bond, that I would still choose to be friends with them all. We all got along so well.

I remember when Ian and I first started dating and people would tell me that I was such a special person. I still hear it from time to time from friends and family. I get told how inspiring we both are and all that.

I’ve always known that I’m a nice person and how caring I can be, but I never felt THAT much different than anyone else.

I never understood what people meant about how loving, and caring, and special I supposedly am. I never got what the big fuss was about.

I mean, I know I can be sweet and all. Yes, I know that I’m in a committed relationship with a man in a wheelchair. I know that I’m his caregiver and that can sometimes require a lot of work.

Big whoop!

You can’t help who you fall in love with. I am deeply, deeply in love with my wheelchair using Boyfriend and I can assure you, MOST of the time I am the lucky one in this scenario.

I can be stubborn and pig headed. I whine and complain A LOT. I usually have to have things MY way and if I don’t, I usually get very upset about it. I am emotional and I cry quite a bit over silly things.

I’m no angel, people.

Ian deals with all my craziness and he loves me anyway. He’s the best!

The point I’m getting to is this: I hardly acknowledge my good side. I always think about what a handful I can be sometimes. I never understood what everyone meant about me until I met Dana, Sarah, Janice, Antonella, Amy, and Sib.

I saw myself in all of them. They are caring, strong, smart, beautiful, empathetic, and compassionate women. They are deeply in love with their Husbands and would do anything for them.

These are all qualities that I possess but maybe sometimes don’t realize it. 

We are kindred spirits. We are bonded. We are like Sisters.

So I miss them. I love them. And I can’t wait to get together and spend more time with them in the future.

I hope that Jackie (the incredible woman who put this all together) knows how much this meant to all of us. I hope she understands that this has touched all of our hearts and that we will never be able to thank her and the other ladies that helped out all weekend, enough.

I hope to be a part of events like this again. It was an absolutely AMAZING experience and I feel like a better person because of it!

                                   The beautiful scenery. Perfect all the way around. 

 

 

 

Life Rolls On- “They Will Surf Again”: Ian’s Return to the Ocean

By now everyone who knows me is probably aware of how much I love, respect, and admire my Boyfriend. This past weekend brought my admiration for him to a whole new level.

Let me start by saying this: if you haven't heard about the Life Rolls On Foundation before, look it up NOW! It is just an INCREDIBLE organization!   

Here's the story:

Last year, shortly after we had moved down to Virginia Beach, we heard that our new friends Dana and Mike would be in town and that Mike would be participating in a surfing event. I asked Ian if he wanted to partake in the event, but he quickly shot down the idea. Since we still hadn’t met Dana and Mike in person (we met through their awesome blog- if you haven’t done so yet, check it out!) and we had been wanting to go down to the beach anyway, he agreed that it would be fun to go see what it was all about.

I had heard of the Life Rolls On foundation before and knew they did a surfing event, but I didn’t know much more than that. When we got down to the beach last year, I realized just how huge this event really was.

 We met up with Dana and Mike. Dana was volunteering so she was in the water for most of the morning. We hung out with Mike and watched the surfers do their thing. It was a lot of fun. Unfortunately we were still unpacking and setting up our new house and Mike wasn’t scheduled to go out until later in the afternoon, so we had to leave before we saw him surf.

This year, it was a completely different experience.

August 10th, 2013-

When we got down there Saturday morning and figured out what team Ian was on, we headed down to the tents where they read off all the thank you’s to the sponsors, and led a beautiful prayer in both English and Hawaiian. 

Ok, now we were set and ready for the day! 

Throughout the day we sat on the beach, enjoyed the beautiful weather, and watched a whole crowd of awesome people get out in the water and experience surfing.

 

We got to hang out with our friends, and Ian’s family, and we met a few new, fun friends. We even had the opportunity to meet the founder of Life Rolls On. What a great guy!

I was on spray bottle duty that day, trying to cool down the boys who don't sweat. I think he and Ian both appreciated my skills with the spray bottle…. Or maybe it was the ice cold water inside the spray bottle that they appreciated, haha. 

Y'all, it was freakin' HOT!! 

We ran into our friends Robin and Ben, and watched Ben take his turn in the water! This is the group shot right after :-) 

 

Okay, so Ian’s original time to get out in the water was 3PM. We had let everyone know that morning that they needed to be there by 3 to see him surf. 

At around 1PM they called his name to go because some people had second thoughts and didn’t take their turn or some didn’t show up at all. 

We were still waiting on several friends to get there.

I almost started to panic. Almost. 

Reason I love this foundation #487- they were completely willing to work with him. There was no rush and they were SO understanding. Ian wanted his friends there and didn’t want to go out until they showed up. Everyone working there were totally ok with that. 

We made some quick phone calls and made sure that everyone tried to get there as quickly as they could. They moved his time to 2:30.

The time had finally arrived- it was Ian’s turn to go! We were still waiting on a couple friends but we couldn’t wait any longer. We were all so super excited!

Before I go any further, let me explain something real quick...

Ian is paralyzed from the middle of his chest down and has limited use of his arms and hands.

He can’t grip the surfboard. 

He can’t tread water.

If he fell off that board and no one was there to help, I’m pretty sure he’d sink!

I think it’s safe to say he may have been slightly terrified.

Would ya look at this face... he looks a little concerned

I have been trying to talk this dude into going swimming in a pool with me for the past year and a half and he has absolutely refused. He had a fear of the water, hadn’t been out in the ocean since before his accident, and here he was about to go out and take on these waves. 

Umm... Ok, now I was getting a little nervous!!

It didn’t take long for me to relax, though. Once I saw how hard the volunteers were working and I witnessed how amazing these people are, I enjoyed every minute of it.

Ian was surrounded by people who love and support him. We were scattered all along the side of the beach where the orange flag was flying. Go orange team! 

We were photographers and videographers and between all of us, I think we documented his every move.

There were cheers and clapping of hands and tears welling up in eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses.

It was a beautiful moment that none of us will ever forget.

My man was so brave. The minute he got on the board and hit the water, all of his fears washed away with the tide. He was happy, he was excited, and he was free.

I can’t put in to words how incredibly proud and amazed I was of him that day.

I wish I could bottle up all that energy that was in the air, in that moment, and carry it around with us forever.

I feel so privileged to have had the chance to be a part of such a huge moment in Ian’s life and to have been able to share it with such wonderful people.

When I look at all the pictures and videos that were taken, I am filled with such pride and admiration. Ian was lying on his stomach holding himself up on the board.

I mean, check this guy out!

This is something that he’s not comfortable with and can barely do on land, in the comfort of our own home, much less out in the ocean with waves coming right at him.

He made it look so easy, which I know it was not. Oh, and if I’m not mistaken, he caught Every. Single. Wave. 

I’m one proud Girlfriend, let me tell ya!!

I’m going to remember that during his time out in the water, the love of my life was filled with the most joy, excitement, and happiness, and was wearing the biggest grin I have ever seen since I’ve known him.

I just love this smile!

I will never forget all of the support and love from everyone who was on the beach that day, as well as the people who sent their support via text or facebook.

I am SO very thankful for the volunteers and everyone who works at Life Rolls On. Those guys are amazing and are the ones who made this day so special for Ian. They made sure he was safe and had an amazing time and were there cheering him on through the entire thing!

Would y'all take a look at the expressions on their faces? And in the above photos? I think they were almost as excited as Ian!

Seriously, how awesome is that?! 

I’m SUPER thankful for Jesse Billauer for creating such an incredible foundation and for truly making a difference in a lot of folks lives. Dude is a rockstar! For real.

What an incredible day! 

 

When we got home that evening, Ian thanked ME for the day he had just had.

What?? I didn’t feel like I had done anything. I was just there. 

He said that I supported and encouraged him throughout the entire day and that he was so grateful I was there.

I really didn’t know what to say other than I will ALWAYS be here to support and encourage him. That’s my job.

He's my superstar. My hero. And he was thanking me?!

 

Now that I’ve had time to think about it- Ian, in response to that, I want to say thank YOU, my love. You deserved this day! 

There are a lot of things that you have to deal with on a daily basis that some people don’t even know about, and you do it with a positive attitude and smile on your face.

You have to put up with me.

 ALL of me. Emotions and mood swings and all.

You have seen the best and very worst of me and you have always been there to lift me up and pull me out of some pretty dark times and you do this effortlessly. 

You support, encourage and inspire me daily. You are my rock, my best friend, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.

So, anytime I have to chance to give you a day like you had last weekend, I’m there! Sign me up. I’ll be the one front and center, in your corner, cheering you on. All day, every day if I could.

If I can get a glimpse of that ear to ear smile you had, it will make it all worth it to me!

You are the most amazing person I know and you deserve all the happiness in the world! I’m on a mission to make sure you have as many days like that as possible! Time to find more adventures, babe!!

Who says anything is impossible just because you’re in a wheelchair? My quadriplegic Boyfriend just conquered his fear of the water. He just proved that anything IS possible!